Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
