I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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