I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
