i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Success! We fucked roommates!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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