I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
