Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
