found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
