Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Houston, we have a squirter
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
