Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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