I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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