He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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