you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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