So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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