I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
