im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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