YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
