Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
As shirtless as possible
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
