I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
