this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
