Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
