i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My liver just had a heart attack.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
