i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
