i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
