i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
