We left an ass print on the piano.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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