Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
