There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
