Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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