just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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