I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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