I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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