I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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