I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
