The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
