It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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