make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
