my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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