There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
