so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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