It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This is the high leading the old right now
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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