A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize