I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
