I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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