I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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