I cannot find my penis.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
