sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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