It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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