so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
