I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
