I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
