omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
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